ailsaek

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

working my way towards being sad. Right now I am very angry and very very tired.

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I can't believe I didn't post for an entire month. Well, the story of my summer was: June I don't remember, July I had killer insomnia plus a few less socially acceptable problems, August I spent recovering from them and sering varios medical professionals, and then last week I had a bad cold and Adam had the flu. I started feeling human again round about Mondsy, and now it's erev Rosh Hashana and I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and an apple and pondering my day.

I had Dabid ready for school and putside when the bus came, and he & I cleared the table after breakfast. All I have for dishes to wash is the stockpot I used to make a batch of applesaice yesterday, and that's because it needed to soak overnight.

I have a schedule now. Monday is recovery from the weekend day. Did that. Tuesday is therapy day. Did that. Wednesday is mopping day, so I'm going to do the downstairs bathroom and laundry room and then go to the Dedham Farmer's Market. When I get back from that, the serious cooking starts.

It's 11:00. I need to be back by three to get David from the bus, but earlier would be better. The farmer's market is about half an hour away, so really the latest I could leave would be 1:30. Even though I fully intend to finish my apple and coffee before starting on the bathroom, I am unworried. It's a small bathroom and I could have it military inspection ready in half an hour. So anyway…

1. Finish apple & coffee
2. Change litterboxes
3. Mop floor around litterboxes
4. Fold dry laundry, put wet laundry in dryer (it's supposed to rain this afternoon), start another load of laundry washing and take folded laundry upstairs
5. Wipe down washer, dryer, bathroom sink
6. Empty wastebaskets and take out trash
8. Head to farmer's market

That should do for the morning/early afternoon

Oh, when Shadow disappeared in June, we didn't see hide nor hair of him until two weeks ago. Since then he's been back and then left again twice. I'm trying to feed him up with gooshyfood whenever I see him in hopes that he'll come home more often.

Anyway, I'm almost done my coffee, so l'shana tova and I'll catch you on the flipside.

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Weatherbug says it's on forty-some percent humidity. I don't believe them. I'm already short of breath and it's only 10:30.

So far I've driven David to school (we missed the bus), put a load of laundry in the dryer and another in the washer, fed and watered the chickens and gathered eggs, and loaded and run the dishwasher. Now I'm up in my lovely airconditioned bedroom contemplating breakfast. I fixed myself a bowl of Greek yogurt with oats & things, but I'm having trouble convincing myself to eat it. Yogurt should be reasonably easy on my stomach, though.

I feel lousy. Perimenopause sucks.

David and I are going to be holing up in the bedroom when he comes home from school, although I plan on making forays out to get stuff done. I had wanted to make a concentrated push to get stuff done in the cool of the morning, but 1) there is no cool of the morning, and 2) I feel lousy.

…

There. Done with breakfast. Next foray out, I put away clean dishes and make more Stomach Soother tea, as well as a pitcher of lemonade for David. But right now I am reclining and guiltily enjoying the coolth.

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08:16

I'm up, I'm dressed, I have breakfast (a bowl of Greek yogurt, raisins, pepitas, and honey), David's off to school, and I am contemplating my day. I'm almost caught up on the dishes, so after I toggle the laundry, I shall set to work on getting that squared away, and then I'll deal with the kitchen floor.

1. Finish breakfast
2. Load & run dishwasher with dairy dishes
3. Fold laundry in dryer and throw in more *
4. Put away clean dishes
5. Hand wash fleishig & pareve dishes
6. Tidy up middle floor
7. Wash kitchen floor
8. Change litterboxes and take out trash
9. Give downstairs bathroom a once-over
10. Ditto upstairs bathroom
11. Take folded laundry upstairs for sorting
12. If time, start sorting laundry, if not, get David from bus and break for lunch

It's nice getting up in the morning feeling like I could actually accomplish something for once. I've been in a funk for over a week. Possibly the quasi-Buddhist meditation I did last night to clear my mind helped. **

OK, finished writing the footnotes, it's 08:41, and time to get moving.

---

*. I usually hang out laundry and it's a perfect drying day today, but due to circumstances beyond my control, one end of my laundry line is no longer attached to the ground.

**. Only quasi- because I don't actually know all that much about Buddhist meditation, just that one is supposed to still one's thoughts and that sometimes a mantra helps. I ran through a couple, but I'm pretty sure I fell asleep with Alan Rickman telling me to clear my mind (and I haven't even seen that movie yet).

------

09:45. Done through #4. Now for some dishwasing…

11:03. Done #5, working on #6-7.

11:36. #6 and #9 done for now, now for #7, 8, 10. *whew*

12:10. Laundry sorted, #10 and #11 done, all I need to do is change catboxes, get David from the bus, eat lunch, and SHOWER!

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It's Monday. David is off to school and I am lying on my bed with a purring Hoover on my chest, contemplating awakeness. Top of today to do list: Pet the cat.

Driving in Boston is evil. The Southest expressway is evil. The GPS on my iPhone is very evil.

But we all made it home in one piece last might, so all is good.

I need coffee, but how can I disturb a Hoover?

Brain is not braining. More later.

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OK. I took David to the optometrist and back, we've been home for half an hour, and all I've done is change into work clothes, drink coffee, and ponder my to do list. It isn't that bad, really it isn't. I just seem to be down with a severe case of inertia.

I need to:

1. Feed David lunch
2. Fold & put away laundry
3. Remake bed
4. Pack for weekend
5. Clean out & pack car
6. Change catboxes
7. Take out trash
8. Put out food & water for cats & chickens

David's prescription hasn't changed anything like as much as I expected. The doctor suggested that the reason he can't see very well is the fact that his glasses are really beat up, but he's actually gotten less nearsighted. His new glasses are now on order and should be in next week.

Summer school starts right off on Monday. Blah. Usually they let us have a werk off. And this year it's only half days - which at least means I'll finally be able to sigm him up for swimming lessons.

And in other news, we haven't seen Shadow in over a week. I'm still hoping he will come back, but I am becoming more convinced that he won't. I do still plan to go door to door and ask, but I am not optimistic.

But anyway, we need to be on the road by 24:30, so I'd better get going.

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Orny, if you still read me, thank you for introducing me to Shriekback. (Yes, I know below says Great Big Sea, but "Go Bang" was playing when I started this.)

It's a beautiful day. I have finished breakfast and am sitting on the recliner, listening to music and savoring coffee and the morning. I'm pondering what I want to do today. Laundry, obviously, but what else?

I wonder what General Tso's Felafel would be like.

Hmm. Well, considering that Sunday is Father's Day, I really ought to get my Mother's Day rose planted. And I need to deal with the stuff on the library floor and unclog the vacuum cleaner, oh yeah, and clean out the fridge. I think that plus the aforementioned laundry and a certain amount of necessary sitting around time may well take up my day. Darn. Well, maybe tomorrow I'll have a block of unclaimed time.

It's nice not to be in a great hurry, just sitting and watching the grass wave in the breeze. All those awful, desperate years, this was what I wanted. Peace.

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I'm calling a council of the facets of my personality, as they stronglu disagree on what to do today. Maybe my talking brain can broker a compromise.

A says we should go back to bed and sleep all day. It's a cool rainy day, perfect for slerping on, and we're sleepy. B says we should clean the entire house from stem to stern and have it sparklyperfect by the time Adam gets home. We have ten hours, more or less, so if we just roll up our sleeves and do it, it'll be easy! C says she can get behind that notion as far as putting away the linens and other things on the dining room table, because then we'll have space to get out markers and play with color and design. When I close my eyes and check for any other opinions, "Sleep!" is very loud. B says get up, take my meds, make coffee. All of them agree that I need to go kill the TV. As i make the coffee, D weighs in with "Sleep? Are you insane? What if the doorbell rings? Constant vigilance! Work! Work!" B wants it made clear that she and D might accidentally agree at the moment, but they are NOT the same voice. E says, sod you all, I'm with A. Take a nap, or go for a long walk, or maybe just cut our hair really short and dye it green.

So, now, how to reconcile "Sleep all day" with "Clean the whole house" with "Don't get caught" with "Ah, fuckitall"? C wants to know how come her suggestions never make even the second cut. D says that of all the things we don't want to get caught at, we really don't want to get caught having fun. C sighs, as she always does, and goes off to try to subvert B or E.

A might be depression speaking, but I see A as being my age, 40+, and constantly tired and overwhelmed. B is preadolescent optimism and boundless confidence. C isn't just my creative impulse, but also the part of me that asks "Who am I in all this? What do *I* want?". D is my paranoia. E is rebellious, but not just for its own sake. E is the part whose shoulders itch to grow wings, who wants to be free and powerful and loud and beautiful and unmistably ourself. "I am what I am, I am my own special creation"

B can get behind anything, just give her a project. C likes to take projects and complicate them to make them more interesting. A just wants to get it the hell over with already unless we can find a way to get someone else to do it or a reason why it doesn't need doing in the first place. D wants our ass thoroughly covered. E thinks it's all bullshit and wonders when we are going to LIVE?

Beginning compromise: nap until noon and hope we don't get caught. Then accomplish things.

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Morning, morning, morning,
Oh, how I hate mornings
Morning, morning, morning,
Move on…

I'm out of cream and of decent coffee, but I do have Maxwell House, so I shall make do. …. There. Brewing now. I've taken Aleve for the headache and I've already had breakfast.

It isn't really that serious a headache, but my brain is playing it up because I feel stressy. My "Aieeee, the house is too messy!" circuit is tripped, and while my standards of cleanliness have changed, my emotional reaction to more mess than I like hasn't.

I am telling myself that it is not hopeless, I am not doomed, but I think the only thing that's really going to pull me out of this funk is rolling up my sleeves and getting to it.

So…

1. Take bread machine out to car
2. Put away waffle maker
3. Put away David's blocks
4. Vacuum middle floor
5. Wash pareve dishes
6. Hang shelves
7. Shelve books
8. Break for lunch

That's not an unreasonable list, it's not something that will take the rest of my life to finish. Heck, I could be finished most of it by noon if I stop posting and start moving. Si, onward and forward. Excelsior!

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